I Changed My Name + My Role Models

Double Feature

I’ve been wanting to change my name for over a year I’d say. To be transparent, I was terrified. I was scared about the people around me rejecting it, my family rejecting it and others just judging me from afar. It wasn’t the actual name itself but it was the concept that intimidated me. The concept I’d be leaving the prior version of myself behind. Leaving everyone and everything attached to it. But I’ve come to realize that’s not the case. Once I realized I wanted to change my name, in that moment is when I began to realize who I am destined to be. My dead name is Emmy, and it’s a pretty name, I’ve never had a problem with the actual name- but it no longer felt right. I’ve been out as non-binary since the 11th grade when I changed my pronouns to she/they, then they/them and now any pronoun (most people call me they). So why was I so scared to change my name? It was because, it felt permanent, and I know now that I’m an ever changing individual, and eventually I may want to change this version of myself too!

I had been sitting on when I’d decided to change it, how I was going to do it- and how I would tell my peers, my family and all those in between my name, and why I was going to do it. I texted my two best friends and was like ‘fuck it, I’m changing my name’ and they were really excited about it. They changed my contact name and I changed my Instagram name and user. I know that the Instagram part of it may be silly but it is a platform where I’m connected to basically all of my peers, it’s public. I then emailed my professors and told them I’m going by a new name. They responded with such a grace and immediately started calling me Axel in class, which was beyond validating. It felt fresh, it felt comfortable. I went to my favorite cafe across the street and they asked for my name and I said; ‘Emmy- oh wait no- Axel. I just changed it’ and the barista said ‘Okay Axel’ and smiled. That almost made me so emotional, and it really did make my day. Something as casual as getting an almond milk latte under your deserved name is special I think. Next was telling my family, I sent a text just saying I’ve changed my name, and I’d like you to call me that. I also told them I’m giving them the time they need to get used to it- in the mean time I said why don’t you all call me ‘Em’ until you get used to Axel, and they so graciously approved. I called my youngest brother and chatted with him and slipped in that I changed my name. He said ‘Oh cool. I like that name’. It’s not that I thought they’d reject my name of course, they’ve always allowed me to support my identity and who I want to be. I was scared they were going to take offense to rejecting the name they chose for me. I was wrong for that, for assuming that. My mother didn’t really love the name Axel because she said it reminded her of Axel Rose… I chose Axel because I wanted something gender neutral like Jesse, Sam or Alex. I chose Axel because I was literally looking on Reddit for gender neutral names and I saw it, and was like ‘oh that definitely fits me’, and everyone agrees.

New York definitely plays a part in my comfortability in accepting my identity. It’s like super queer. My school especially is so queer, probably the most in the country. It wasn’t hard for my professors and classmates to understand and get used to it. That wasn’t a fear I had. New York just showed me theres no shame in self expression. Theres no shame here… if you're a decent person with good values. Moving out of the south shore of Massachusetts helped me for sure. I’m not saying I didn’t like it, or it wasn’t left leaning enough for me- but it was the specific place I lived in. I went to an all girls catholic school, which we actually had a lot of queer students, but it was selective. That type of butch lesbian and femme lesbians that they’d accept- no other one though. Like they’d support their lesbian best friends but if they saw a trans person they’d make fun of them or misgender them. I rarely spoke about my identity there because I knew they’d see me as different then them, and exclude me from what they think as ‘normal’. I had three close friends at school; Jill, Chloe and Sandra. They’re the only ones who referred to me as my preferred pronoun, and we’d talk about queer culture often. Other than that, I didn’t connect with anyone else at that school. Those three girls are the ones that I think about when I think about my high school experience, and I think back on the time I’d spend with them. I actually had a fat crush on one of them lol, but thats besides the point. Anyways, that school didn’t serve me right- and I’m glad I was able to graduate successfully. I’m not saying I wasn’t grateful for that experience, but you guys know what I mean. My friends outside of school were very queer and accepted me for who I was, and never protested it. It came naturally for them. They respect me, and encourage me to allow myself to accept change when it comes.

A lot of the time I feel pretty invalid when I compare myself to other non-binary folk. Which I know I shouldn’t and it comes from a place of insecurity, and I promise I’m working on it. I used to dress quite masculine, and I still do! But I have begun to experiment with femme clothing recently. I think it might because I’ve become more comfortable in my body, I’m in recovery (go read my post titled ‘An Item I Never Wear for an expansion on this topic). I think I felt most androgynous when I wear a masc outfit, with little to no color (I never wear color lol), with lashes as big as caterpillars. I think the juxtaposition of a my femme features that I can’t control + masc clothing that I can control- is what attracts me to that the style the most. Like the ability to have control over one thing, and embrace the other thing you cannot control. I think there’s a lot of courage that comes with accepting that. As much as I love that, sometimes I feel like I hate it too- not being able to change things about myself.

I think I owe a lot of my grace to people who’ve wronged me in the past, they’ve really taught me who I should be close to in my adult life now. A family member of mine- that I no longer speak to anymore, would invalidate me any chance she got. I came out to them as non-binary when I was in the 11th grade- and they were like; ‘You’re not really non-binary! You’re just saying that because you want to be trendy- you want to be special blah blah blah’. And I questioned myself after that and came to the conclusion my identity is real…. and it’s not like I was coming out as like ‘kittyself’ or some dumb shit like that. I was literally like yo call me she/they if u please homie. I remember never really talking to them about personal stuff after that. After I realized their real stance on what they think is ‘real’. To this day… they continue to disrespect trans individuals and do not care about the damage they're causing to the queer community by spreading that dumb shit.

I never realized I could be a role model to the people around me. When I was in elementary school I remember my classmates and I once went around in a circle and spoke about who our role model is. Most kids said their parents, or older siblings or the school police officer. I probably said some dumb shit like LDshadowlady because I was so weird. I remember assuming role models can only be adults. I still thought that, until a friend of mine from back home told me that I was a leading factor in their queer journey that made them come out as non-binary. It was a very rewarding conversation that I never saw coming. They mentioned how they were confident in coming out because they saw how others around me responded to it- I mean like the people around me didn’t really care they just kind of referred to me like I wanted to be referred as. That kind of made me realize literally anyone can be a role model, and there might be others out there who use me as a source of inspiration and look up to me in a way. Makes me feel full of myself when I’m typing this, but it’s true. Whoever’s reading this- you’re probably someone’s role model right now too. My role models who’ve been a while for a hot minute is Sadie Sink, Emma of Dying Wish and Kat Moss of Scowl and my mother. I love how all of those people are femme as fuck. Sadie Sink has been a role model of mine since I was like 14- after seeing her in Stranger Things of course like I was literally obsessed with her and I want to meet her so bad. I have the biggest crush on her. She’s one of my favorite vegan advocates and I’m also pretty sure she might be queer but I’m not sure but I hope she is so I have a chance with her. Sadie’s always been a private celebrity, takes pride in her work and seems like she maintains her zen through all of the commotion she goes through. Emma of Dying Wish and Kat Moss of Scowl are also big role models for me. They’re both femme vocalists of two different hardcore bands. They often send a big fuck you to anti-femme mfs in the hardcore scene. When I first got in the scene I was scared to be a femme person in the pit…. then I saw Emma open for Code Orange and I literally shit myself I was like wow wow wow I can be femme and be hardcore and be respected okay chill. Same thing happened with Kat Moss of Scowl too. Kat’s truly changing hardcore punk, and the rest of the band of course. They’re bringing drama back to performanceeeee. Sometimes Hardcore gets so repetitive on stage and I’ll be at a show and there’s like 10 bands on the lineup and three of the bands just like mesh together and then all of a sudden the shows over. Because you’'re looking at the stage and you see a man made of muscle with a hat, American traditional tattoos, vans and dickies and then there’s like 40 more of them and 100 of them in the crowd. But Kat makes Scowl known. She makes the audience know she’s having fun and the bands having fun and the crowd is going to have fun. I’ve seen Dying Wish three times and the last one I went to was my favorite set I saw in 2023. I saw Scowl in December and it was also one of the best shows I had been to in 2023. Actually I rank them the same I think.

The last role model is my mother. I feel like this one is self explanatory but she’s hard working, makes time to care for others, is authentically crazy, loves all beings around her and never ever takes bullshit from people- and I feel like I’ve since taken on all of those traits. Everyone knows you become the people you surrond yourself. I mimic their slang, their ticks, their tastes and their emotions. It’s weird to talk about but I think it’s important when talking about your role models. Like I have a problem opening up to people like my mom does. I feel like we’ve both been working on it in the past couple years. But it’s a very unspoken thing. She opened up about some things that happened to her in her childhood that I never knew about, and I opened up to her about my road to recovery. It was a gradual bonding experience. I never realized how much I am like my mother till I moved away. How I know I love her so much is my urge to purchase anything and everything for her that I’ll think she’ll like. I do that with everyone I like- and I recently found out it’s considered a love language? Like whenever I’ve had a crush on someone I just start buying them shit. Bought one of my crushes an orange soda because my friends had told me that he loves orange soda? He didn’t like me btw- and he also didn’t care about the soda- can’t even recall him thanking me. I had bought my ex like so much shit even after we had broken up. I got him a signed book by one of his favorite bands *we were homies at this point*. I’ve boughten my best friends so many treats- can’t help it- Like I see a cafe? Oh I MUST purchase them an expensive strawberry shortcake! Even though there’s no special occasion I just must get them that. I can’t seem to show affection in any other way (I’m writing a post on rejecting affection soon because I’m the biggest catalyst to that!!!!). Love is not measured in money or material items to me so why is gift giving my love language? WHY?

I’ve gone on like 10 different tangents in this post guys I’m sorry I’ll be more organized next post- I’m sitting in a cafe and eating a Vegan raspberry crumb bar (but it’s literally giant- *I’ll put a picture* and I think me going on this raging hurricane of a tangent is just me finding an excuse to go out to eat again (I’ve been to 3 cafes today including my workplace oops! I got paid yesterday okay leave me alone freak) and eat the rest of this bar and just take up space so I feel productive today. Okay.